Skipping School Because of Gender Dysphoria
Many teens struggling with gender dysphoria and high anxiety end up missing a lot of school. Getting up in the morning and taking on a full day of responsibilities can be daunting and overwhelming. The idea of rolling out of their safe, warm, protected bed to face a day full of socializing, learning, and participating can be too much (especially when they know they have limits and pushing those limits could result in a panic attack).
The idea of having a panic attack in school is so mortifying that just the idea of it can make them want to stay home.
This is very challenging for parents to handle well. Getting their kid to school is extremely important. Parents can feel frustrated and hopeless in their attempts, especially when they feel like they have tried everything they can to get their child to school and still fail. Parents often first try to be empathetic and gently work with their kids, but when this doesn’t work they often abandon that approach and start pushing them hard and holding them accountable. It’s very hard to feel helpless as a parent when efforts fail over and over again.
Note: Not every teen with gender dysphoria struggles with this. However, this information is directed toward youth that experiences high levels of anxiety and gender dysphoria with the following symptoms:
Getting overstimulated in groups of people or busy environments
Feeling like everyone is staring at you and judging you
Wanting to hide your face and body so it can’t be seen
Physically starting to shake, heart racing, clenched jaw, face gets hot, breathing heavily, and having to hold back emotions
Feeling mortified and ashamed for breaking down in public
Negative self talk taking over and reminding you of how much of a failure you are and how much you don’t like yourself
Anxiety is a beast to deal with and it’s one of those battles that you can’t just overcome by pushing yourself beyond your limits.
It’s like trying to guide a bear through an obstacle course. It can be gently guided and prompted, but if you push that bear too hard it will blow up, become aggressive, and fight back. And that bear will win. Believe me, you will not win a fight with a bear by pushing it harder.
A panic attack is a sign that the bear was pushed too hard. We have to find the tough balance between empathetic grace and pushing forward into challenges. If a panic attack is coming, that’s a sign that you have pushed too hard. There is nothing productive about pushing to the point of a panic attack. Nothing is gained from having a panic attack. It’s just miserable, painful, and traumatizing.
Also, just because a panic attack is over doesn’t mean a person can get up and go to school immediately. It takes a lot of time to recover from a panic attack. Research shows that depressive symptoms increase significantly directly after a panic attack. It takes time for the body and mind to recover and balance back out.
Advice to parents: If your child has a history of lying or manipulating to gain power and control then disregard the following advice. That is a different struggle.
But if the anxious child I described above sounds familiar, here’s what I recommend:
If they say they can’t do it, trust them, and stop pushing.
When they come to you and say “I can’t go today,” don’t get mad. Anger and disappointment will only increase the anxiety and make the situation worse.
Instead, have an empathetic attitude and say: “I’m so sorry your struggling that much today… What do you need from me to support you?” Listen to what they request. If they want alone time, give it to them. If they want company without conversation, then sit on their floor and pull up a computer to keep busy while staying close. If they want to talk, provide a listening ear. (HINT: This will likely go better if you make a game plan before the moment of high anxiety hits)
Talk with your school counselor about getting them an IEP or 504 plan to accommodate their needs.
If they start to miss too much school due to anxiety, schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to have a consult on the option of using medication as a tool.
At the end of the day remember that raising a child through gender dysphoria is very challenging. It’s okay to to struggle and feel helpless at times. But just remember, no matter how hard it is for you, it is definitely harder for them.
So… love, love, love, and more love.