It's OK to Not Know
It’s common these days to be told:
“Be yourself!”
“Be you!”
“Just do you!”
But what do you do and who do you be if you don’t know who you are yet?!? Or what if you have some ideas but aren’t just aren’t certain. This is a common problem for the gender non-conforming community. A lot of times they have an idea of who they are and what fits; however, there is still a great deal of unknown that still needs to be discovered.
If that’s where you’re at, it’s ok not to know.
Identity development is a life long journey. It takes time and experimenting to figure out what feels right and what doesn’t. You don’t have to have it all figured out, especially if you are an adolescent exploring the deep and complex concept of gender.
Unfortunately, gender non-confirming kids are oftentimes not allowed the time and space to figure it out. Instead they are expected to have all the answers. This happens because they’re the ones educating their families about gender issues. As soon as they become the educators of their family system, then suddenly they’re expected to have it all figured out.
With these expectations come all of the following questions:
What are you? Who are you?
Why do you dress like a girl sometimes if you want he/him pronouns?
Why did you used to wear makeup?
Is this happening because of your sexuality?
Are you sure you’re not just gay?
Why do you need to change your name?
What do you want to be called?
How come one week is different than the next?
Why didn’t you say anything before?
Is this real and permanent or is it just a phase?
A struggling non-binary kid might hear all these questions and want to yell: “I DON’T KNOW!!!”
The sad part is that these questions are not always being asked from a place of loving curiosity and support. They are being asked because the individual is personally too uncomfortable with someone being different than them. They need answers to ease their own anxieties about the topic (and are unable to support someone else).
I would guess that there are a few people who have all those answers. However, the majority of the time we don’t. These identity questions are extremely complicated. This pressure to “know everything” and “have all the answers” is worse for kids exploring their gender identity. For some reason gender non-conforming kids get asked the tough questions more than other kids. We don’t expect other people to explain their complex deep emotions flawlessly, so why are non-binary kids expected to have all the answers?
This is the problem with just saying “Be yourself.” It is not enough to just say “I support whoever you are,” and then leave them to figure it out. Don’t get me wrong, affirmation is a great thing. It can be very empathetic to be told “Just be you.” But sometimes affirmation is not enough. It is not enough to just be told “Accept who you are.” People need help, guidance, and support in figuring out who they are first. People need support in the journey. They need to hear:
“It’s okay to not know.”
“Confusion is okay too.”
“You don’t have to have all the answers.”
“It’s okay to explore, make mistakes, and figure it out over time.”
“It’s okay to change your mind from day to day, week to week.”
You might not understand why one day you feel confident and happy and the next you feel anxious and scared. You might not understand why you want to grow a beard but also enjoy wearing a skirt. It could be hard to explain why last year you wore makeup and this year you love shopping for guys t-shirts. Emotions and gender identity are complex. Confusion is part of the process.
You do not have to have all the answers today.