Why is alone time so triggering?

Anxiety and low self esteem are common struggles for people dealing with gender identity pains. When people struggle with anxiety and low self esteem they often have to isolate frequently in order to cope. Isolation is a self protective act that gives time to recover and protection from potential pain.

It gives a person space to regulate their emotions, and quiet to calm anxieties, and can be used in a healthy way to connect to one’s self through their favorite music or television shows. However, isolation can cross a line when it turns into too much. Everyone needs some alone time to recover, cope, and relax; however, when alone time goes too far it can turn into a dark, lonely, and painful experience. It can feel like a dark pit where a person loses all energy and motivation and becomes incapable of pulling themselves out.

How can something so vital to our rest and recovery also be so triggering?

Too much alone time can result in the following:

• Time for negative thoughts and negative self talk to boil up and torment the mind. Thoughts of self hatred can start running through the mind and take over emotions until depression swallows the whole experience.

• One begins to over-analyze and over-think everything they did and said that day. Self doubt can start coming up in racing thoughts saying, “You should have done this differently,” or “You disappointed these people, and didn’t come through for this person.” This over-thinking can trigger up more depression and anxiety pulling you deeper into helplessness.

• Abandonment and rejection issues. Abandonment says, “No one wants to be with you right now,” or "You are not loved or wanted.” These painful thoughts continue to spiral you deeper.

• Lastly, too much alone time can trigger thoughts of self harm or other dangerous behavior. Sometimes, being alone triggers a desire to use alcohol or drugs in an unhealthy way or can make you impulsive or inappropriate in relationships.

What do we do to get ourselves healthy alone time (and avoid that dark spiral of isolation)?

First… Observe yourself and try to identify when your alone time crosses the line from healthy recovery to dark depressive alone time. If you can catch yourself right when you are crossing that line then you can intervene and you can know when to get out of isolation.

Put some boundaries in place for yourself. If you frequently hermit away in your bedroom, maybe agree to not close the door to your room.

Is there a time of day when alone time is harder to handle? Is it worse at night than during the day? Maybe commit to sleeping on the couch at night or in a siblings room so you aren’t alone in your room with dark thoughts during the night.

Plan ahead. Look at your schedule for the week and if it has too much alone time in it then schedule yourself some activities. Call a friend, or plan to see a movie.

Give your family permission to force you out of your room if they see you are starting to isolate too much. You might need that extra push from someone else who loves and cares about you.

Most Importantly, Be Safe!

Make sure your someone knows what you’re dealing with so they can help you. Tell them if you should not be left home alone. Or let them know that they should help pull you out of your room if its becoming too much.

Lastly, make sure your safe.

If you are stuck in dark, depressed isolation and thoughts of self harm or suicide start to creep in… Make a plan! Don’t listen to those thoughts. Get help immediately. Let someone know whats going on. Even if you can only get yourself to send a text message. Message a parent or someone you trust. Make sure you tell an individual who can help make sure you are safe. You can always call 911 or a suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255).