Holidays with Gender Dysphoria
Holidays are often a time of extended family getting together and catching up on life. This can be wonderful and it can be very stressful. There are many different things about the holidays that can trigger and worsen gender dysphoria. Below are examples of a variety of different things that could potentially be challenging. If you are someone struggling with gender dysphoria, then this is for you. Also if you are a parent of a child struggling with gender dysphoria then here are some things to think about and look out for. Perhaps you could talk about these things with your child before family gatherings.
Potential Challenges:
The cultural difference between you and your grandparents: Because grandparents grew up in a different cultural moment, they often do not understand the category of gender identity the same way that youth do. They may have lived their entire life not knowing anyone who is gender nonconforming. They may have had the stereotypical gender norms reinforced throughout their life. Because of the culture they grew up in, they may not have the categories to understand gender dysphoria. They may inadvertently make hurtful comments, even if they are well intended.
2. Coming out: Holidays can also be hard if you are not “out” to everyone yet. If some relatives don’t know your gender identity and preferred name and pronouns then you are going to have to deal with being misgendered constantly. Hearing the wrong pronouns over and over can really wear you down. Perhaps this will be your first holiday full out as gender nonconforming. That comes with a whole new set of challenges because you don’t know how everyone will respond. The anxiety of the potential disapproval can be very unsettling.
3. Not being out: If you are out with your parents and siblings but do not want to be out with the extended family then you may have to ask your parents not to talk about it and revert back to your “dead name” and wrong pronouns. This might have to happen in order to protect you from coming out where you don’t want to come out. However, having your parents go back to using the wrong pronouns and name can be very hard and trigger up severe dysphoria.
4. Dealing with comments about your appearance: It seems like relatives always comment about appearance when they haven’t seen you in a while. Especially if you have recently changed your look. They may be seeing you with a new hair cut and new style and their comments about it could be painful. Even if they are trying to be nice it could draw attention to places you don’t want attention and as a result, dysphoria sets in.
5. Holidays and Religion: Another thing that can be triggering is the fact that Christmas if often a religious holiday. Everyone has a different experience with religion. Unfortunately, a lot of gender non-conforming individuals have experienced shame and hate from religious communities. This can make Christmas harder and can again trigger gender dysphoria. Having to pray with the family or go to church service can be challenging.
6. Change in routine: For some, the change in routine is hard. For the last several months you have had a set structure of school in place. Taking a break from school has its benefits: no homework or tests! However, being away from friends and dealing with the big change in schedule can be challenging. Especially if your friends are a huge source of support in your life. Being away from them for the holidays can be hard.
What we can do!
Take breaks: Let your self step away and regroup. Take a walk or just go to the bathroom and put in your headphones and listen to your favorite song. Breathe and regroup before you go back for more. Maybe send a text to your best friends for support.
Ride the wave: When gender dysphoria hits hard it will not last forever. Emotions are like waves; they hit, but they keep moving and it won’t last forever. Focus on riding the wave until it passes and always remember… it will pass.
Look great: Wear your favorite outfit and when it gender dysphoria hits, look at how awesome your outfit is and compliment yourself!
Make a plan: If you can talk to your parents, siblings, or guardian and make a plan beforehand, it may help. Let them know that even if they can’t use the right pronouns and name, it will at least help if they can try not to use your name and use they/them for pronouns if possible. Also make it clear to your family who you are okay with knowing your gender identity and who you do NOT want to know.
Remember: There are thousands of others just like you out there struggling with the same thing. You are not alone and you can do this! You’ve gone through tough dysphoria in the past and you can get through it again! Who you are is beautiful and good. You are a great person full of strengths and an awesome kind heart. You deserve love and acceptance! You are more valuable than you know.