How to Talk About Gender with Your Child
For a parent who has never experienced gender dysphoria themselves, sitting down and talking with their child about gender can be confusing and scary. Parents want to be supportive of their child, but this is hard to understand.
Here are some helpful tips for those conversations:
First of all, it’s okay if you don’t understand gender dysphoria right now. The most important thing is to approach the subject with your child with interest and curiosity. We recommend asking a few of the questions below, and then just listen. Try not to pass judgment or fix anything during this first discussion (that can be sorted out later).
For now, just seek to listen and understand. Show them you are interested and want to understand what this is like for them. Get out of your own experience and try to imagine what theirs is like. Below are questions to guide you. However, you don’t have to try to ask all of these in one conversation. Maybe you will only get through a couple at a time. If your child is willing to explain, then show interest and keep coming back and asking more questions.
Here are some questions to guide you:
Do you have preferred pronouns? (He/Him, She/Her, They/Them)
Do you have a preferred name? How did you come to choose that name? What does this name mean to you?
How long has this been a struggle for you? (Ask, but don’t expect them to have this all figured out)
How did you learn about gender dysphoria?
Which identity do you prefer: Nonbinary, Gender Fluid, Transgender, etc? Right now, which one feels like it fits you the best, or describes you the most?
Do you have some days that you feel more masculine and other days you feel more feminine?
When do you feel gender dysphoria the most? (Showers are often difficult. Sometimes it’s only when they aren’t “passing” as the preferred gender identity.)
What does ‘passing’ mean to you?
Which parts of your body do you not like? Which do you like?
Which parts of your look/style do you like? (Usually their clothes, hair, or glasses are important to them. Talk about it and try to understand.)
What does Gender Dysphoria feel like to you? (For example, is it more sadness, anxiety, or self hatred? Is it physically felt or is it more cognitive?)
Have you had experiences of being treated badly due to your gender identity expression? (Tell me about those experiences and how you responded.)
Have you thought about going on hormones or transitioning in the future? If so when do you think you would like to do that? How confident are you right now that you will want to transition?
Do you wear a binder? Or do you want to wear a binder?
What else have you done to modify your look?
When did you first come out to your friends? How did that go?
Were you nervous to tell me? What were you most nervous about?
Do you want me to use your preferred pronouns and name? Who do you want to use these?
At school, are the teachers using your preferred name and pronouns? Have you spoken with any school staff about this? Have you thoughts about how you want to handle this with school?
What bathroom do you prefer to use when in public?
Do you have a bathroom to use at school?
Are you connected to other teens experiencing gender dysphoria? Are you connected to the LGBTQ community in any way?
How do you usually cope when gender dysphoria hits?
Other important notes:
Here’s the bottom line: Empathy is everything. Be a good listener. Show intense curiosity (without endlessly badgering them). Repeat what they say back to them to show that you are understanding. Be open to learning from them.
Sometimes it’s important to make sure to do your own work. Evaluate your own gender identity and what it means to you. Make sure you know your personal bias and how to stop this bias from impacting your child negatively.
Listen with open curiosity. Individuals struggling with gender dysphoria are often experiencing a painful identity crisis, and they need your love to get through this.
Lastly, get yourself some support. Find a therapist who can walk you through this or start reading books on the topic. We highly recommend the following book for all parents:
The Conscious Parent's Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child's Authentic Self - Book by Darlene Tando